If I Wrote Holes
by XxGampGreenGirlxX
Summary: A parody I made up with my friend Hunter one day. Rated T for language, but otherwise, enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**So, I was just chilling out in my room, reading and watching Holes with a friend of mine, Hunter, when he suddenly started going on about what Holes would be about if he wrote it. The following story is a combination of mine and his ideas, so we both get half of the credit. DISCLAIMER:I DO NOT OWN HOLES AND NEVER WILL. ALTHOUGH I WISH I DID AND/OR COULD.**

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><p>There is no stream at Camp Shitstream. There was once a huge river here, the largest, longest, HARDEST...to navigate river in Texas. It would occasionally visit his grandma Bob in China, but you never knew whether it was coming or going. Now, it's just a puddle of raw sewage and demon bunnies.<br>There was once a town of Shitstream as well, but the town crazy, Mr. Mahaul Pierce, who was fed up with his name being confused and said as 'Pierce Mahaul', took a PINGAS gun and killed everyone in Shitstream.

True story, bro.

During the summer, the temperature hovers around five degrees, and if you have the balls to step into it and summon the Deku Tree instead of that son of a bitch tree summoning you, it's about two degrees in the shade of that tree.

The only trees and sources of either shade or warmth in that son of a bitch stepson of summer and winter are the Deku Tree, and a tree that is shaped like a chicken at the eastern side of the puddle. A flap of seal skin is stretched between them, painted with pictures of unicorns and the magic Navajo god named Joe who takes the form of a magic G-String. The Warden is a major chicken-puncher. Behind the seal skin is a Hobbit Hole, a giant sign that says 'GO TO FACHIN HELL YA FACHIN YANKS' stuck in the door.

The campers are forbidden to molest the seal skin, or yell 'RIGHT BACK AT YA, FUCKIN' REBELS!' at the sign. Or molest the Deku tree, for that matter, but they do it anyway.

Out on the lake, magic dildo bats, bass cannons and talking demon eggs have been kidnapped by the Warden and fed steroids to give them roid rage.

Here's a virtually useless, but somewhat useful rule about magic dido bats, and bass cannons- you don't diss their mamas, and their mamas won't diss you.

Usually.

Being anal raped by a magic dildo bat or dropped by a bass cannon isn't the worst (or in some cases, the best) thing that can happen to you, or even if their mamas diss you, it's not the worst thing.

Usually.

Sometimes a camper will try to be raped by a dildo bat, or dropped by a bass cannon, be dissed by they mamas, or a combination of the three. Then, he will be able to spend a week or two marinating and watching tentacle porn in bed, instead of having to eat raw sewage out of the puddle and send all of your earnings which consist of G-Strings and dead unicorn limbs to your 2-cent grandma in China. Or Mexico. Or wherever Michael J Fox is from.

Anyway, being sacrificed by a talking demon egg, yes, that is the worst thing that can happen to ya.

You will die.

'Nuff said.

You may as well do the Harlem Shake while molesting the seal skin, yelling "RIGHT BACK AT YA, FUCKING REBELS!" while fingering the Deku tree.

There's nothing anyone can do to you anymore.

Usually.

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><p>(ParagraphSentence 1,4,6,9,11,and 15 are mine. The rest are Hunter's.)

**So, did you enjoy it? I enjoyed writing it, that's all I can say. Read and Review and Follow and Favourite and stuff!**

**Peace!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, this story is short, yes, but it's fun to read, fun to write and hilariously stupid. The best things about parodies. DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN HOLES, IF I DID, THE FIRST TWO CHAPTERS WOULD OF COURSE BE LIKE THIS!**

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><p>Now, you may just be wondering in that Justin Bieber's dick-sized brain of yours-who on God's green Earth would resort to going to such a fucked up camp?<p>

Well,it was made to permanently mentally scar 13-20 year old boys who have commited a crime or two, permanently melting them into a puddle of twerking,jiggly little insanity-filled fuckers, so most campers don't get a choice.

If you take a bad boy, make him drink sewage in the hot sun, he will turn into the said fucker in the above sentence, with no notion of committing a crime such as raping a textbook with dreams and so on.

That's what I thought.

Yanley Stelnats, or Stanley Yelnats, was given a choice. The judge said, "You can become a prostitute in Japan, or you can go to Camp Shitstream."

Stanley was from a rich family. He had never been to Walmart before. So, as he would one way or another, he chose Camp Shitstream.

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><p>HOW GREAT WAS THIS? Well, not very good, but hey! I loved writing it with Hunter! And also, I think you can guess who wrote what. Read and review, follow, not sue.<p>

Have a good night. Or day. Or whatever time it is where you live.


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